Saturday, May 31, 2008
The incessent ringing of his handphone alarm unceremoniously intruded his relatively peaceful slumber. Sleep, was something he had been invariably deprived for a very long time already. Still, albeit with much effort, he managed to drag himself out of bed, for today was a very important day for him. Today, he was going on his first date with that girl that still meant the world to him ever since she broke up with him, but he had also planned for it to be their last. One week ago, he had told her to choose one day and keep it entirely free for him, for it might be the last time she'd see him again in a long long time. She chose Friday, so Friday it was, and after mentally planning for one whole week(in fact he had already planned for this more than a month ago), Friday finally came.
Manoeuvering through the hectic mid-day traffic in his usual throwing caution to the wind style, he rolled up along side his favourite secret parking spot and hurriedly made his way to the Chanel boutique across the road inside Takashimaya. For a very long time, he had scrimped and saved whatever he could squeeze out just so that he could buy her the necklace that he had wanted to get for her ever since they were still together. Today, he finally had enough dough, although it meant emptying his coffers of whatever little it had left. Not too long ago, he had grander plans for the necklace. He had meant to put it around her neck while on board the Singapore Flyer and at the same time ask her to officially be his girlfriend, but before that ever materialised, she left and never came back. He left the shop quickly after paying and hurried over to Cineleisure to get the movie tickets. After scanning through the available shows on the electronic board, he decided on Narnia at 9.55, as the rest were either almost fully booked or he had no clue in hell what the show entailed. While queueing, his phone rang.
"Sure..but I may be going to MOS later on at around 11, 12, can I?" It read.
His heart almost bled. Utter disappointment overwhelmed him. At the jucture, he had already reached the front of the queue and was oblivious to the fact that everyone behind was waiting for him.
"Sorry." He abruptly managed a garbled mutter and stepped aside to allow the queue to move.
After a series of sms exchange, she finally said, "Sorry, forget about the clubs then." And so he rejoined to queue to buy the tickets, but his mood had already hit rock bottom.
Why couldn't she just keep her promise of keeping the entire day free, especially when he had given her a one week's notice, he couldn't help but wonder. He only wanted one day of her life, and after all, it was gonna be their final rendezvous, wasn't it? Did it mean that little to her? Did he mean that little to her? It kinda made him wonder whether in the event that she had to choose between her friends and sending him off at the airport one day, would she sacrifice seeing him for one last time to be with her friends? Not that it mattered anymore anyway now did it? A torrent of thoughts cascaded in his mind on the drive back, and driving with an occupied mind was by no means safe business.
5.30pm finally came and though he was already less than enthusiastic about meeting her, he repeated reminded hmself that this was their last day, so go out, meet the girl you love and just enjoy her company till the very last moment. Hence, he set off to meet her at City Hall, where they had agreed to meet at.
When he saw her, all that had happened just a few hours evaporated instantaneously, like nothing ever happened at all. In the split second that their gazes connected, all he knew was that he was really happy to see her, and was starting to get really excited about their date. They were hungry and so they walked over to Suntec City to have dinner.
After dinner, he took her for a walk down memory lane along the river front at the Esplanade, where they once sat blissfully together for almost 2 hours. It was almost like his "Walk to Remember", and it was not by any chance coincidentally. He wanted to relive everything that they ever had together today, and that's why they ended up there. As they sat side by side by the riverfront, he so badly wanted to hold her in his arms like how he used to, but his heart was palpitating and he was getting cold feet, so nothing came out of it. But how he would have loved to.
After an hour, they started making their way to Cineleisure to catch their show by train. It was to be their first ever train ride together, but probably their last ever as well. As they entered the cinema, he kept the stub securely inside his wallet. Although he wasn't much of a schmaltzy person, it was one stub that he was gonna keep with him for the rest of his life. The show was pretty good, apparently, at least that's what he read in the critics. But he didn't really know much about it despite sitting in for the entire show. For the entire time, he had only one thing in mind, which was the girl the was beside him. When she leaned on his shoulder, he felt like he was on cloud nine. Although he never mentioned before, but one of the things he loved doing with her was to hold her hand while she rested her head on his shoulders during a show. And he made damn sure that he remembered how it felt today. He had to, for he probably wouldn't get to feel the same electrifying feeling anymore. At the end of the show, he didn't wanna leave. He swore he could have just sat there the entire night doing nothing but hold her hand. But like all good things, it had to come to an end and so they made their way out of Cineleisure across the road to where his car was parked. Then, shit happened.
"Can we go Dbl O to look for them?" She asked, her voice sounding like there was no room for negotiation.
In an instant, the sinking feeling came back all over again. He thought the worst was over, but apparently he was wrong. She had never planned to spend the night with him. The feeling was devouring him, and it was doing so very quickly.
"I said before, and I'll say it one last time. I wanted to spend tonight alone with you cos it'd probably be the last night that we'll ever have together again. And I'm spending tonight either with you or alone. But if you really want to go, and I'll have to spend the night alone, then so be it, I won't force you to stay. So I'll leave it to you. Make a choice." He said adamently.
"I'll go alone then." She said.
"Ok, your choice. But before that, give me just one more hour with you. I wanna bring you to one more place before I send you there alright?" He requested, surprised by the fact that he did not feel angry at all. Perhaps it was true, he was finally letting go, and tonight was truly gonna be the final night.
"But it's almost 12.30 already!" She argued.
"Fine, just give me 30 minutes then. I'll make it quick. You keep track of the time. I'll keep to my word. 30 minutes is all I need. Even though I may not mean anything to you, but within 30 minutes Ima let you know how much you mean to me." He insisted.
So like a madman, he drove up the winding roads of Mt Faber and rolled up along side the place he had brought her to when they were still together. As the car came to a stop, "Right Here Waiting" played on the radio. Pertinent, he thought.
"Let's get off the car after this song yea?" He said, eyes never leaving the clock.
After the song, they got off and he took her hand and walked with her back to the very spot that they were at months ago. This time, the walk was ardous and agonising. With every step that he took, he died a little more inside. Good thing though, he managed to hold back his tears to much success the entire time. When they reached, they stood and gazed into the horizon from their vantage point. Everything seemed so minute, as minute as he is to her, a fact he had finally established today.
"Remember this place?" He asked.
"Yea." She replied.
"I remember everything about it." He said, his voice starting to quiver for the first time.
He continued asking redundant questions until he had managed to muster all his courage to do what he had planned to. With bated breath and a racing heart, he stepped behind her and hugged her by the waist, his chin slotting in nicely on her shoulder.
"Chanel, close your eyes." He whispered. "And don't open them until I tell you to."
She obliged. With quivering hands, he gingerly put the necklace around her neck and clipped it with ease like the way he had practised.
"You may open your eyes now." He said, with a smile.
She opened her eyes but remained silent, and he did not know what to make of it. So he just hugged her again from behind and made it a point to remember what it felt like.
"I hope you like it." He whispered.
Minutes later, they started kissing, her lips tasted like the purest of heaven. The kissing stopped and they continued hugging.
"I love you." He whispered as time continued to tick away mercilessly.
All these while, she had kept dreadfully quiet. But he knew that that was the way she was, and he knew her way too well. So he didn't mind at all. Eventually, the time to say goodbye finally came, and having already decided beforehand that he was gonna keep his promise, he held her hand and walked back to the car with her. While walking down, he let loose another unbridled deep-throat cough much the same way he had been doing the whole night, and for much of the past two weeks as a matter of fact, and she abruptly asked him how long he's been coughing. "Finally." He thought to himself. "Took you long enough to realise."
"Lost count." He replied. And they continued walking.
On the drive down the long winding road, Cai Hong played on his stereo, a song that had special meaning for him with regards to her. Neither of them spoke during the drive to Double O. But he was smiling to himself for the entire trip, as though a heavy stone had been lifted. Perhaps, he had finally found liberation, liberation from the misery that had made the past 2 months of his life a living hell. Maybe he had found the courage to move on, for he had finally done what he did not manage to do months ago. He had finally put on the necklace for the girl he loves so dearly, and it probably marks a form of closure. When they finally reached double O, they said goodbye, and he gave her one last kiss before he watched her walk off.
"Goodbye darling. I'll always love you, even though you've never really loved me." He muttered to himself as he drove off, eyes fixated on her slender sillouette that got blurrer and blurrer as he drove further and further through his rear mirror.
There was still so many places he had wanted to bring her to tonight.. the pub where they shared their first kiss.. his balcony.. and there were still so many things that he wanted to say to her. He wished she could just give him that few more hours, but the date he had planned to the T was cut short. She had prematurely pulled the plug. It was ruined. Nonetheless, he still felt that he had accomplished what he had sought to do tonight, even though it may not have exactly panned out according to script, but it was good enough for him, sufficient enough for him to find the inner peace he has been craving for so badly. He'll remember everything about tonight that he made a point to remember..the smell of her hair, the feeling of her sweaty hands, the warmth of her hug, the taste of her lips, that beautiful smile of hers...
There's one thing, however, that he wants her to remember, that once upon a time, there was a boy who truly loved her with all his heart and soul. He was willing to do anything for her and he was willing to give up anything or anyone for her. He said that he wanted to marry her someday and he meant it from the bottom of his heart. But she let him go.. just like that.
And even in pictures, it was always him leaning towards her, abstract as it may be, kinda depicted how it had always been him running to her. But hollaback boy died tonight.
Now that he's freed from the clutches of his fidelity, he can finally fulfil his promise to the girl that truly loves him, the one person that he knows will always be around no matter what.
4:29 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Friday, May 30, 2008
so damn disappointing.
someone take me to the doctor.. :S
3:51 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
I'm quite sick of waiting hun.. I'm pretty sure ur exams have ended for ages, and last I remember, you said you wanted to meet after your exams. It's always you wanted to do this or you intend to do that.. but nothing ever materialises. I'm kinda wondering if you're just saying things for the sake of saying them. And how ironic is it that we live just one street apart. But I don't know anymore what's going on in your life these days..ever since you decided to get over me and find someone new. It's sad, cos I don't know about u man, but even though 'sbeen awhile, I still care a hell lot abt you.. but I ain't gon wait for your elusive million-dollar call or sms anymore you see. So err yea, just forget it alright.
3:26 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I shouldn't have gone last night. It sucked. Everything sucked. Even my best friend saw it with his own eyes. I felt so fuckin humiliated. Kinda like what happened with S at Zouk. Made me so fuckin pissed that I went to hit on W in front of S. I bet Koongwoei must have been wondering wtf Brandon you fuckin loser, you dragged me all the way to Zouk to see something like this?
But I've learnt something new about myself. I can get fucking high to the point where everything's around me is moving but still be ok 1 hr later. Fantastic.
a few more days and I'll have to make my final decision.. to stay..or not to stay? go this year or next? I'm torn. I met an old friend who's in the UK now last night at the toilet and he casually asked me when I'm coming over. Got me thinking quite abit... and he went on telling me about life in the UK and all.. sounds good to me..really good. Time's running out and I hate making such life-changing decisions. bah.
If I said I'll give up the London dream for you, let's forget everything and start all over again, would you say yes?
3:38 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
So that part's done, but still I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel yet. Something like 1 down, fucking alot to go.
And now I get a fucking NS call up. Wtf my luck is amazing. Fuck the airforce.
Oh then again, the call up's on the 21st of August, which by then, I might already be in the UK and cycling around the school campus. so screw u SAF.
so confused..
my heart's bruised..
was i even loved by you.
out of reach..
so far..
i never had your heart.
E.. :)))
11:22 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
As I sat on the rocks along the shores of east coast beach, a sudden serenity invigorated my weary body. The therapeutic effects on the sea, one of god's many marvellous creations.
Condemned to solitude for the night, only the ominous looking moon and the tiny absolute vodka bottle in hand kept me company.
Across the colossal body of water, the ships spread across like stars in the night sky and the lights that emanated from the ships were intoxicating, perhaps more so than the vodka, and like a key it opened up a portal to the myriad memories that are so deeply and so poignantly entrenched within my head.
As though I was being tossed into a gigantic kalaidescope, the images flashed by one after another. Through the multitude of images, I saw you. Yes you, darling. I saw our first hug at doubleO. I saw us on our first date. I saw you pushing your food to me. I saw our first kiss at Mhd Sultan. I saw your first ever sms that had the words "I love you". I saw myself saying "I love you" to you for the first time. I saw you getting jealous. I saw me getting jealous. I saw myself giving you a massage by the esplanade river. I saw us holding hands, just holding hands. I saw you cry. I saw my heart break when you cried. I saw us sitting at my balcony. I saw you leaning on my shoulder in the cinema. I saw us making out in my car. I saw us so happily together. I saw it all go downhill. I saw you turned your back on me. I saw you ending it like it never meant anything to you. I saw how my life started to screw up. I saw how new problems started to compound in my life. I saw how it got to this stage. I saw how I ended up here at the beach.
A solitary tear started its descent down my right cheek, the same direction my life's been heading.
It was 12.15 am. Time to head home.
anyway, while I was driving to her house prior to that, I saw a fallen tree that blocked off the entire CTE. wow, that's a first. And I saw a really cute girl called Mindy. She's in law school and she's one of the orientation group leaders. lol.
It's been so hard for me
To give my heart away
But I would give my everything
Just to hear you say...
You're someone to have and hold
With all my heart and soul
I need to know
Before I fall in love
Someone who'll stay around
Through my ups and downs
So tell me now
Before I fall in love
but i did anyway, notwithstanding. now i'm all alone.
12:49 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Monday, May 26, 2008
My life's turning into a fucking wreck. What's becoming of me? And what's becoming of the things and people around me? I've even lost the desire to study law..lost the motivation to do anything that I ought to be doing. And school's starting in a matter of months. How timely.
I'm perilously near the precipice of insanity. I reckon that it's just a matter of time. How I wish I could runaway to somewhere, away from everything and everyone, and pretend that all that fuckshit had not happened to me.
And thank you..thank you for staying up all night with me. Only you would stay with me even when everything around is collapsing and won't leave me alone even when I inadvertently vent my frustrations on you. You'd always say the nicest things and you'd always send me really long msges no matter how short my replies are. Thank you for always being around, even though you know that I could never reciprocate your love. Had I never met her, it'd probably have been very different.
I'm so fucking tired.. so fucking tired. Kill me..Put me out of my misery..I could use the sleep.
9:39 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
I'm so fucking tired. It's never ending. So after Tuesday, when it's all done and dusted, Ima give my mind and body, my oh so jaded mind and body, a very very long break.
I woke up today and the pangs of being a few thousand miles away from you hit me like a train.
4:49 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Someday, I'll come back and marry you.
10:36 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Do you remember our first kiss? We were side-by-side and I could smell your hair. Electricity was in the air.
Do you remember our first kiss? Spontaneous and natural like the leaves of trees and the plumage of birds, as though it was pre-orchestrated.
Do you remember our first kiss? I was so nervous that I nearly missed.
Do you remember our first kiss? It was crisp and brisk, still I melted into a cloud of bliss.
Do you remember our first kiss? Like myriad serenades woven into a euphonic symphony, all I felt was felicity.
Do you remember our first kiss? Our first taste of union. We were a match made in heaven.
Do you remember our first kiss? The taste of your lips lingered for so long. Like an addiction I cannot resist, oh the things I'd do just to have one more kiss.
Do you remember our first kiss? Mohammad Sultan, February 23, Saturday 25 after 1. That very moment we were one.
Do you remember our first kiss? That night the music seemed so blur. I never imagined that it would happen here.
Do you remember? 'Cos I know I do.
7:08 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Dear Wenger, please sign Samir Nasri, David Villa, Nuri Sahin, Micah Richards, Yaya Toure and Sebastian Frey. Thank you very much.
Frey
Sagna Toure Richards Clichy
Walcott/Hleb Toure Cesc Nasri
Van Persie/Adebayor Villa
Pwnage.
8:52 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
I belong to you.
did, still do, always will.
12:15 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Monday, May 19, 2008
I should have known better than that. How dumb could I be? I have no one but myself to blame. I should never have let myself be affected again. Better stop now, better stop now. Uni hurry up start! You're the perfect distraction.
even though I pretend that I've moved on, you'll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say, you're the one I think about each day..
and I know no matter where love takes me to, apart of me will always be with you.
5:04 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
i suck. but nevermind just tonight.
my self-denial is astonishing. lol.
3:52 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Friday, May 16, 2008
s'Been awhile..but whoever said that I've moved on? Whoever said I've forgotten? And whoever said I've loved you any lesser than before?
I'm weak.
I can't resist doing the things I sworn not to ever do again.
But I need to stop thinking about you every fucking night.
I need to stop kissing your photo every night before I go to bed.
I need to change my handphone wallpaper.
I need to stop listening to Cai Hong.
I need to stop harbouring all these forlorn hope.
Cos the truth, cruel yet unequivocal, is that you're never gonna come back.
You're never gonna love me again, maybe you never did in the first place.
I need to go away, away from you for good, cos I'm never gonna get over you. Never.
But there's just one last thing I haven't done yet.
And that'll be the last..
I hope.
You know girl, you meant the world to me. And guess what, I still love you as much as before. I'm sick of pretending to be ok..I'm sick of putting up a facade in front of you. I'm sick of pretending like I've moved on. The truth is, none of them even came close to what I felt when I was with you.
I cannot turn to see those eyes, as apologies may rise,
I must be strong and stay an unbeliever.
And love the sound of you walking away, you walking away.
But as you walk away mascara bleeds a blackened tear..
Oh, and I am cold, yes I'm cold, but not as cold as you are.
After that, I'll start living..I promise you Brandon.. I promise.
12:24 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Am currently suffering from post-Taiwan withdrawal symptoms. I wanna go back next week to look for her!!! lol!
and i bought something for the other her. fuck..I don't even know why I did. Was pretty random. Then again, how should i give it to her? wtf..why must something so simple be so difficult!
2:39 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I LOVE TAIWAN.
:D :D :D :D :D :D :D
she's the hottest girl I've ever been with and she's coming to Singapore in July. :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
1:48 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
I think I'm in love... with the hot korean actress-ish looking chick rolling behind the wheel of that hot black ferrari along orchard road. and one head-turning second almost cost me a mazda 3. lol.
MOS.last night out before I'm gone. :D
8:44 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Monday, May 05, 2008
I Miss You.
1:12 AM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
Sorry, for not going over to Zouk to look you up. You wouldn't wanna know why anyway. I called you after it ended but you didn't pick up, so call me back when you see this will u? I'm sorry.
Happy Labour's Day to all you hardworking citizens out there.
hold up let me dream, shorty got me feeling less supreme.
12:50 PM - You left Gucci for Giordano, darling.
After an hour, they started making their way to Cineleisure to catch their show by train. It was to be their first ever train ride together, but probably their last ever as well. As they entered the cinema, he kept the stub securely inside his wallet. Although he wasn't much of a schmaltzy person, it was one stub that he was gonna keep with him for the rest of his life. The show was pretty good, apparently, at least that's what he read in the critics. But he didn't really know much about it despite sitting in for the entire show. For the entire time, he had only one thing in mind, which was the girl the was beside him. When she leaned on his shoulder, he felt like he was on cloud nine. Although he never mentioned before, but one of the things he loved doing with her was to hold her hand while she rested her head on his shoulders during a show. And he made damn sure that he remembered how it felt today. He had to, for he probably wouldn't get to feel the same electrifying feeling anymore. At the end of the show, he didn't wanna leave. He swore he could have just sat there the entire night doing nothing but hold her hand. But like all good things, it had to come to an end and so they made their way out of Cineleisure across the road to where his car was parked. Then, shit happened.
